Holding My Breath

I feel constant pressure. Pressure to do something of value in my life. There are so many things I want to do, places I want to see, experiences I want to have. There is this side of me that longs for adventure, a side that wants to say screw it all and just live in a van in a beautiful place I want to live like the glamorized Instagram photos thatĀ evoke such wanderlust.

Then there is the other side. The side of me that says, if you do that you will truly never be able to travel, do something valuable live up to your potential. If you stick to your well-paying job, with its nice benefits you will have the opportunity to be financially secure, buy a house, retire. This side of me values the logistical long-term. It values living conservatively, believing the stories that I’ve inherited from my family. It’s painful to constantly let that side win. However, it is where I am at right now.

The reality is that my life falls somewhere in between the two extremes I feel I’m living. My job is good, I have trust from the people I work with to get my job done. It pays well and there are some parts I enjoy. I have the opportunity to take long weekends and go travel…but I often don’t. My income is decent and I am likely able to save more than most of my peers are probably able to. So why can’t I find contentment? Why do I feel such tension inside?

So I’ll continue, for now, to hold my breath. To learn to lean into the unknown of my future and try to live fully in the present. Making the most out of every second that I have where I am. I know changes will come. They always do, and when they do, I’m lucky enough to be ready for them, to have supports in place. But let me be clear…It doesn’t feel easy, it feels really difficult, really frustrating, and really challenging. Oh, and don’t worry, I live with the guilt of knowing these are all first-world problems as well. If I had a glass, I’d raise it to patience and perseverance then finish it all in the hopes of feeling free of some of this tension.

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